I worked on assignments (but not enough). I worked at my job. I read. I drank coffee. I baked. I drove. And I deleted my facebook account.
What did you do this week?
I was talking to my gorgeous friends this morning, Juan and Maegan, and they asked about the blog and what I’m doing with it at the moment. My answer was that I’m not really inspired. This is true. What is more true, but what I didn’t verbalise is that I don’t feel like I have anything to share right now. I am back in the small town I grew up in. Compared to this time last year my life, world and outlook has shrunk. I am studying at Uni; I am working with people who used to work with me, I am hanging out with people I’ve known since I was 8 years old. (This is no bad thing btw. Old friends are the best).
In truth, I am struggling. I am struggling to make the best of it, to live the life I want on a uni student’s budget (I don’t do sausages or two-minute noodles anymore), to trust that this is where I am supposed to be, to know that there is a reason for my being in this place at this time. I am struggling to get past a feeling of being punished. Like I am in purgatory for two years until I complete my degree, at which point my life can begin again. Like life is on pause for two years. Sadly the hands of time are not pausing, and by the time I do finish Uni, I cannot justify the waste of two years on pause. I want to change grow and believe a reason for my present. I want to. But I don’t feel it.
This is why right now I am applying the ‘fake it til you make it’ principle. I am an advocate of this principle. I fake my way into a feeling. And I don’t believe this is wrong. I never want to go to the gym, but I like the feeling when I am finished - sometimes even during. I fake it because I do wish to feel at home and out of jail. I am being intentional about my relationships. I am intentional about getting involved with and volunteering with organisations. I am working towards not wasting my present. I am changing my actions and my attitude will follow.
I’ve been reading a lot lately, something that has stuck is the concept that we are all stories, that we all have a story to tell, and that our story can help others. I think this stuck because I like to write. And because I don’t feel like my story at this point is particularly interesting. That being said, there’s often a subplot where you get a break from the main character. Maybe right now is my break, where I get to develop and learn lessons that can serve me and others in the future. Maybe that is the reason. Maybe I should just get over myself. And get inspired.